Over time I realized there's a difference for me between feeling triggered and feeling irritated.
Feeling irritated brings similar reactions within me, just like I'm being triggered, but are brought about from a different kind of origin.
Doomsday looms in Microsoft Word it seems??
- When my computer, software, hardware, phone, phone app, or any kind of technology freezes up, gives me an error message, loses my work that I spent forever on, or just doesn't function properly or the way I want it to.
- The BEST error message ever: Microsoft Word saying "Catastrophic Failure"
- Forgetting something I reminded myself 100 times about
- Telling someone that my car window fell in, and she tells me her car door fell off
- Telling someone I freaked out about a hornet in the house, and she says she has a whole nest in hers
- Telling someone I'm tired from working 14 hours, and she says she's just finished 6 shifts in a row/had nothing to eat/had no time to sleep/has held her pee for 24 hours
- You get the idea... - Having the driver's side window fall in
- And the fuel pump die
- Forgetting something I reminded myself 100 times about
- OOPS
- Traffic, people who tail me, people who cut me off, people who cut me off without a turn signal (I mean really, at least use your turn signal when you nearly take my front end off)
- Sweet merciful crap I could go on for days
- Nope I've been beat, she could go on for 2 lifetimes
These things, in varying degrees of severity, will bring me some trigger-like feelings - a tightness in the chest, almost anxiety level head spins, frustration, an overwhelming urge to hurl the offending technology, that "UGH" and "really?!" feeling, sometimes an urge to cry over time wasted, and incredible annoyance at my own foibles (which...even though irritating, I LOVE them because they are part of what makes me ME....and that's all my foibles and quirks ask of me...).
And yes, by the way, I'm that person who - when someone cuts me off or gets in front of me without putting the turn signal on - puts MY turn signals on, first left, then right, then back again alternating (sometimes pointing at them), because I KNOW that person is looking in his/her rearview mirror. I smile. I feel better having done my duty to make someone aware of their disrespect....at least this is what I tell myself because the person behind me is probably very confused which way I want to turn.
Then there are times I feel just plain triggered, and I know the difference within me because of the places the triggers come from.
Today I had a lot of triggers pile up.
I'm triggered when I want to feel heard, but I don't feel like I'm being listened to.
This will be when my guy and I are texting and he doesn't comment on ANYTHING I've said (in my feeling messages).
When I send an email asking questions or needing advice and maybe one piece has a response, but the rest is left hanging there like the belt you keep on a hanger (because one day you WILL use it!).
When I am talking and trying to voice my thoughts, or an opinion, and I'm interrupted. And my whole thought pattern is disrupted.
Today I was in meetings all day, and my right leg has been bothering me, really painful, enough that it hurts to drive, it hurts to sit, it hurts to lie down.
Back in May I got a bruise on the back of my knee. How does one do that? I think probably I am the only person in the world who can manage it. But it was a bad one. In the last couple of months I've been on several long-haul flights. In addition to a lot of renovating I've been doing (out of my feminine energy of course).
The bruise, 5 months later, is still there - smaller, but basically the same size for about 2 months like a little knot. I mentioned the bruise to my doctor a couple months ago who said it was normal for a bad bruise to take a long time to heal. Really? THIS long?
The last few weeks I've been in a lot of pain. At my friends' urging, today I decided I would contact my doctor through the practice's dedicated website while I was in these meetings. I had computer access, but could not use my phone.
I told of the pain and the progression into some detail. A couple hours later a staff member replied saying it was best to come in and have the provider take another look.
I was irritated...because she'd already seen it two months ago...and it wasn't my provider who responded, and she may not have even gotten my message.
I got back on the site and used the appointment request form selecting Friday and "all day." This I thought, would give them any time to schedule me in on Friday.
Or so I thought.
I got a copy and paste of the original email that the staff sent to me, adding to make an appointment. Now I'm triggered. They didn't even READ or acknowledge my "Appointment Request."
I responded that this IS my appointment request because that's exactly what this tool is, and please schedule me as requested on Friday, any time all day as my "appointment request" stated, and that I could not call because I didn't have access to my phone for today or tomorrow during their business hours.
They responded for me to call and make an appointment. Then they CALLED ME to tell me to call and schedule an appointment. They had to leave a message because I already told them I COULD NOT CALL BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE ACCESS TO MY PHONE.
I really thought I was going to lose it. My heart rate went up, my chest tightened, my trigger level went through the roof. I was NOT BEING LISTENED TO. I didn't feel HEARD.
And this coming after last night having a request from a neighbor to walk her dog in the morning at 9am because she wouldn't be there. First, I WORK, just because I may work from home sometimes, doesn't mean I can go willy nilly frolicking with a dog that will cause me an allergic reaction (which my dog allergy is not a new thing...again NOT HEARD).
When I don't feel heard or listened to, I feel ignored. When I feel ignored, I feel disrespected. When I feel disrespected, I feel like I'm unimportant. When I feel unimportant, I feel really really bad, alone, unworthy. This is a trigger I know I have, and I have to nip it in the bud before I start equating my worth to what others do to me as per my perception.
First, and please note this, I will put this in my programs, and in our chats, and verbally.
NO ONE can take your worth from you. It is NOT anyone else's to take. ONLY YOU can GIVE it away if you CHOOSE to.
So I drop my shoulders. I breathe in, filling my belly then my chest, all that is good, loving, and peaceful. Then I breathe out, expelling everything in my chest and my belly, everything that causes me grief, pain, and irritation. I drop my shoulders more. I put my hand up to my forehead and metaphorically pull out all the thoughts that are keeping me all up in my head.
Then I tell myself, "No one can take my worth from me. My worth is only mine to give and I choose to keep it and nourish it."
Needing to feel heard I know is one of my triggers. I have a lot of triggers :). But that's ok as long as I understand and know what patterns bring them on...(other triggers for another time).
I want to help others uncover their triggers as well, because I think in the end it will lead us all to better understand ourselves and each other. Even though we all have different triggers, we all have patterns leading to them.
Key is to recognize the trigger and the pattern, then get out of our heads and into our bodies....then work on the patterns that cause the triggers. Shifting our vibe. Inviting change.